frightened of failure and nothing ever goes the way its supposed to
I would like my life back, please. The part where I actually enjoyed. Thank you. Thank you very much.
God are you listening? Why did you make me this way??? Why did you choose to make me a tenderhearted romantic who needs so much to be loved and to give love and then leave me to wallow in misery on my own? I can't do this. I can't be lonely like this and stay sane. I can't be lonely like this and stay myself. I'm beginning to understand why my mother caved in and married my father. And that scares me very, very much. I'm sitting here crying at nearly ll o'clock on a Sunday night feeling alone in the world.
Nothing in my life is the way I want it to be. It's no wonder I'm so fed up and frustrated with everything. I can't play rugby because of my shins and my back. I can't find a guy who doesn't run in the opposite direction when I exhibit the smallest signs of interest. I may just be failing out of graduate school because I have NO FUCKING CLUE what the hell I AM DOING and there is NO ONE TO HELP ME LEARN. My family is seventeen hundred miles away. And I am internalizing all of the stress, which leads me back around to the reasons I'm currently not playing rugby. Hitting something would relieve so much of this stress, as would letting go in order to focus 110%, mentally and physically, on the game. But if I play, I run the risk of redamaging my not-quite-healed shins. Augh. There is no end.
And I'm SO SCARED of failing out of graduate school. I cried on the way home out of frustration, beginning with the stupid guy, but continuing with the realization that nothing in my life is how I would like it to be. Then I pulled into my parking space and started crying even harder when I realized I have no idea how I am going to pull this off and actually pass my qualifier.
God are you listening? Why did you make me this way??? Why did you choose to make me a tenderhearted romantic who needs so much to be loved and to give love and then leave me to wallow in misery on my own? I can't do this. I can't be lonely like this and stay sane. I can't be lonely like this and stay myself. I'm beginning to understand why my mother caved in and married my father. And that scares me very, very much. I'm sitting here crying at nearly ll o'clock on a Sunday night feeling alone in the world.
Nothing in my life is the way I want it to be. It's no wonder I'm so fed up and frustrated with everything. I can't play rugby because of my shins and my back. I can't find a guy who doesn't run in the opposite direction when I exhibit the smallest signs of interest. I may just be failing out of graduate school because I have NO FUCKING CLUE what the hell I AM DOING and there is NO ONE TO HELP ME LEARN. My family is seventeen hundred miles away. And I am internalizing all of the stress, which leads me back around to the reasons I'm currently not playing rugby. Hitting something would relieve so much of this stress, as would letting go in order to focus 110%, mentally and physically, on the game. But if I play, I run the risk of redamaging my not-quite-healed shins. Augh. There is no end.
And I'm SO SCARED of failing out of graduate school. I cried on the way home out of frustration, beginning with the stupid guy, but continuing with the realization that nothing in my life is how I would like it to be. Then I pulled into my parking space and started crying even harder when I realized I have no idea how I am going to pull this off and actually pass my qualifier.
posted by Amy at 8:42 PM
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